The Hidden Barrier to Finding Creative Time

Parent-writers and parent-artists often tell me their biggest barrier to being creative is time — as in, they have none. On one level, I absolutely believe them and I absolutely sympathize with them. But on another level, I frankly want to beg them to reconsider.

We’ve all heard the admonishments about time management being a matter of priority. I believe this is only partially true, that there are other things involved — things like energy, awareness, and focus. But even these things don’t touch on a HUUU-UUUGE barrier to making time for art – a barrier that underlies everything, especially when you’re talking about parents who are writers and artists.

That barrier is guilt. GUILT GUILT GUILT GUILT GUILT. Guilt, as in:

Do the should-reallys ever stop, as parents?

They should. REALLY.

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It’s not that we shouldn’t do things for our children — of course we should — but we don’t have to do everything for them. NOT doing things for them sometimes makes them strong. Even D. W. Winnicott said as much, and he should know.

I mean, we don’t throw them in the water to teach them to swim (at least I don’t), but we can’t keep them out of the lake completely. The whole point of growing up is to become gradually more competent at many things – so that one’s parents can gradually have more time to, among other things, write that novel or be in community theatre again or, I don’t know, go on the competitive contradance circuit if that’s what they want. It’s not that we don’t love our children – DUH — it’s that we are more than parents, all of us, and that fact is not looked on kindly from many quarters of our culture. Especially for mothers. Even, yes, in 2010.

Hence the guilt.

When I ask you to let go of the guilt you have around sometimes choosing your own creativity over your children, I am not actually asking you to choose between your children and your art. I am asking you to sometimes choose your art because, first, that is a healthy way to live. I am asking you to sometimes choose your art because, second, doing so models positive mental health and lifestyle choices for your children, who are watching you, who are taking from you their cues about what they should value in life.

And when I ask you to sometimes choose your art over your children, I am not asking you to sacrifice your children to your art every single time: That’s not healthy either. What I’m asking is that you examine, with both eyes open, what is truly important to you in parenting and in art — and then, AND THIS IS CRITICAL, to release whatever guilt you might have about the choices you make. Because as long as you continue to feel guilty about sometimes choosing your art, you are going to sabotage that art. Full stop.

There is no right answer about your choices here. I might choose the Halloween costume but not the perfectly-folded sheets. You might do the opposite. That’s fine. The only thing I ask of you here is to be brutally self-aware, to admit what is truly important in your parenting versus what you only trick yourself into thinking is a priority because, for example:

When we say we don’t have time for art, what we’re often saying is that we’ve made other things a higher priority – but we might not even realize it: So often our so-called priorities go unexamined, because more than anything those unexamined priorities are unconscious reactions to fear (which is, itself, a symptom of perfectionism). And we cling to these unexamined priorities out of guilt, out of the perception that if we do not, say, take the toddler to the park every single day without fail, or fold the sheets perfectly, that somehow we are bad parents who are messing up their children for life.

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The word “guilt” comes from the Old English word meaning “crime” or “sin:” There is a sense we’re doing something wrong, committing some kind of crime when we turn our attention away from our children in order to be creative. The crime, we believe, perhaps unconsciously, is that we’re stealing time from our children to give to ourselves. HOW DARE WE?

But there is nothing wrong with that. It is not a crime for a parent to take time for his or her own creative life. It is not a crime to ask your five-year-old to play by himself for a half-hour while you write. It is not a crime to expect your teenager to fold her own laundry while you paint. It is not a crime to trade babysitting with another parent so you can have time for your art once a week. You do not, as a parent, have to be the martyr society still expects you to be – expects it especially if you’re a mom. It’s not healthy for you, it’s not healthy for your kids, it’s not healthy for society. And it’s not healthy for your art.

Seriously, parent-artists. Seriously, parent-writers. Let us please get real here. You are not a bad person if you take some time for yourself, for your art. You are not a bad parent if you encourage your kid to go it alone on the science project this time. You are not a bad parent if the bathroom mirror boasts a splatter of dried toothpaste for one more day.

Because honestly? Your kids, my kids – and, for that matter, all the people in the entire world right now – need your art more than we need your floors to be spotless.

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8 Responses

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  1. Written by Patrick Ross
    on November 11, 2010 at 6:27 am
    Reply · Permalink

    Great post, Kathy. I have opted not to pursue my writing at times while citing my kids as a reason. I think sometimes, though, that’s an excuse to avoid the hard work of beginning to write. When I do let my kids know that “Daddy needs some writing time” they are always totally cool with it and stay out of my hair (well, specifically, the basement). So when the writing isn’t happening “because” of my kids, they actually have nothing to do with it.

    • Written by Idalia
      on May 6, 2011 at 1:24 am
      Reply · Permalink

      Thanks for the insight. It bnigrs light into the dark!

  2. [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by missrachel_lora, Patrick Ross. Patrick Ross said: barrier to finding time for #creativity from @starkravingmuse blog http://bit.ly/9uxKno good for parent/writers #amwriting [...]

  3. Written by Jet Harrington
    on November 11, 2010 at 10:47 pm
    Reply · Permalink

    “They should. REALLY.” Awesome.

    How dare we, indeed. How dare we NOT?

    taking their cues from us…yes – how vital a role we have in showing our children that our creative and artistic pursuits are also important, so that THEY CAN, TOO.

    Thank you, Kathy.

  4. Written by Kathy Crabb
    on November 11, 2010 at 11:09 pm
    Reply · Permalink

    @Patrick: I agree — it’s interesting how much leeway kids will give us for being ourselves. The guilt/excuse/whatever really does come from us, doesn’t it? They are so much more amenable to having WHOLE parents than we think they will be. Most of the time anyway ;)

    @Jet: Thank YOU! I’m glad you stopped by and commented. The photos on your website are so stunning that my husband looked across the office at me gawking at them and said, “Wow. What did you find?”

  5. [...] “The Hidden Barrier to Finding Creative Time?” Kathy Crabb, Stark Raving Muse: Ever feel guilty as a parent for wanting to take some time for your own creativity? [...]

  6. Written by Elizabeth C.
    on November 12, 2010 at 8:15 am
    Reply · Permalink

    Wonderful post–thanks for writing and sharing it.

  7. Written by Mike Gregan
    on November 17, 2010 at 10:56 pm
    Reply · Permalink

    A good point by Patrick: I use the obligations to the kids as an excuse not to get my work done.

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